i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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