dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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