I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
