We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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