it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
