Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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