Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I did not marry a roomba.
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