I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize