she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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