Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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