I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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