yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
