I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
