Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
