...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
