Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
