I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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