If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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