At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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