My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
