I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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