ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
