I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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