Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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