I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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