Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
