I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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