Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
