dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
