Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Pappa wants mamma naked
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
