What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I didn't notice because vodka
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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