please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
