As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
