I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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