i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
