i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
