I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
