Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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