i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
