like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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