So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
