I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
