She announced her abortion via fbk
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
