i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
