I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize