Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
