This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize