i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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