he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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