I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize