I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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