Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Randomize
