i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize