I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
BRING THE BAGELS
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
