I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Randomize
