did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
