Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
