Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
