....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
