fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
