I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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