Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
