so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
