I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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