Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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