Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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