I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
