and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
